i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
