if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
