Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
