can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
