Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
