you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
