I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
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Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
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If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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