Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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