After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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