Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
