So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
