come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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