My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
