I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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