what day is it and did you see me today?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
