When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
