i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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