Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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