My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
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He called his prostate his "boner button".
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
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The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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