i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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