the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
