i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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