There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
