D3 body, D1 cock
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
