you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
