in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
