Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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