mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
