You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
