last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
