i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
