Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
