Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
