stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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