Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
