Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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