I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
