My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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