He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
