Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
