I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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