anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
