I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
cat food counts as protein by the way
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
