fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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