Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
