totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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