i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
