A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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