Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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