Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
