It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
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Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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