you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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