why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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