Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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