I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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