Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
