I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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