I wish my penis had an off switch
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
