sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I did not marry a roomba.
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